If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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