By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
