Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
