Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
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