I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Im just a social blackout drinker.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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