so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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