im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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