thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
