It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
my shit smells like andre
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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