My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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