And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
