Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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