dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
