the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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