Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
