Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
