I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Sorry about my life...
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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