Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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