guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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