I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
