Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I just forgot I was standing up.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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