i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
