Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
