my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
