I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize