In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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