i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
My feet surprised me
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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