I hope mine doesn't look like that
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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