Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
