I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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