I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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