i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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