i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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