I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
We have so much sex to catch up on
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
