i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
