Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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