Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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