Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
