On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
