So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
