theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
