when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Randomize