I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
