woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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