and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
