I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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