That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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