Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
