im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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