I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
not ubering you a puppy
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
