You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Randomize
