i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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