I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
