i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize