Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Randomize
