I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
