Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
