you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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